You would think that going to the countryside to visit my grandma would be calming and soothing and all of that stuff, but it isn't. Dad was screaming at her the enitere time, using the fact that she's hard of hearing as an excuse. I had to babysit my sister again and while it can be fun, I was somehow also lazy? Anyways, of course evrybody was tense as fuck and I'm honestly super sorry for grandma who's such a sweet person. Her pension is small enough, but she still gives me and my sister money whenever we go to see her. She must be so lonely now that he's dead, and the only people who visit her are us. Sadly, us includes him.
Imagine screaming at your poor elderly mother after she did her best to raise you and your two siblings in the middle of a communist regime.
Oh well... It's not like he's gonna run out of excuses any time soon. Apparently, he's depressed, and I would put quotation marks around depression but I'm not a shithead. However, if he knows that he has issues, and those issues affect all of us, why the hell doesn't he go to a therapist? His workplace offers a free therapist, like dude.
Whatever. I'm not going to focus on his mental health. Despite all that tension and screaming, it felt good to get away from my shitty neighbours. Also, I got to play with baby chickens, and there's nothing better than that.
I was right. Today was better than yesterday. Yeah, I had a linguistics contest I half-assed and yeah I didn't manage to actually convince IC about my new idea buuuut I met up with an old and very good friend of mine, which may or may not be reading this. If you are, hi! We had one of those conversations about the past. About our phases (YanSim, Attack on Titan, Kpop, Gorillaz, DDLC, ATLA/ATLK, Miraculous Lady Bug, Marina and the diamonds and now JJBA), which was half fun half painful because of course it was.
It was kind of cleansing to talk to her. She's a very kind person that geniuenly likes to help people, despite her own hardships, and even if I also listen and give advice to most of my friends, I don't really feel one way or another about it. I've been told I'm easy to talk to because I'm so non-judgemental (which is true, but also I'm always judging people), but most of the time, when I start talking and I'm not being "Haha funny deadpan weirdo" they ignore me.
So yeah. We hanged out at our old spot, shared some trauma, updated eachother on our lives and came to the conclusion that we're probably the main characters of this small shitty city. If we indeed are, and there's some entity writing our story, then please slow down. We need character development, not trauma.
10.55->I caught a glimpse of myself in the window and I didn't recognize myself? My face looked so different, I had to stand there for a couple of minutes to recognize myself. I don't think it's because of the new haircut that I got last week, because I was fine with my face the previous days. I have no idea what to call this, but it scared the shit out of me. Two days ago, I heard somekind of voice in my apartment block's entrance. I guess the trauma is finally catching up to me...
23.25->I hate when this happens. She says she'll spend time with me. This is the 3rd night this happens, and before there were circumstances out of her control but this time she knew she couldn't. This time she knew she wouldn't do it but she still promised. She knows I have issues. She knows I'm clingy and need attention but somehow, it doesn't count as mental illness because I don't cut and I don't have public mental breakdowns. But it's there. It eats at me from the inside. I can feel it growing. I can see a countdown to my descend and I know these are the last moments of just "bad days" before I just descend into it completely. I can keep it under control for now, but childhood trauma chases you. Teaching yourself not to cry or laugh or show pain when your parents hurt you stays with you for life. One of these days the countdown will reach zero and I hope that then, people will finally understand that I wasn't okay. I tried not waiting till then. I told my parents that "hey, maybe those weird reactions are a sign of something but of course, they didn't listen. I didn't mess aroud with symbolic pleas for help. I told them outright that I need help and she was and still is the only person on this planet which knows shit about me but she ignores me and breaks promises and says things that under normal circumstances I'd beat the shit out of someone for. Anyways, tommorow will be better.
Today is my first day on this seemingly dead part of the internet and I have to say I enjoy it greatly. I suck at coding but html isn't that much of a nightmare so that was a very pleasant surprise. I'm usually not a fan of broadcasting my feelings on social media, or anywhere really, but this site/platform/whatever really does give the feel of screaming into the void. I have a physical diary already, but even there, I feel the need to "perform" my feelings and I feel restricted as all fuck. If it makes any sense, the diary is something I know/hope someone will find and read, while this site feels like a grain of sand on the garbage-covered beach that is the internet.
So yeah, I'll try my best to keep up with this. My only goals are 1) Let the bottled stuff out somewhere and 2) Learn some html maybe