Today was tiring as fuck so I actually took a nap? It was mostly because dad was slowly but surely driving me insane, but also because I had to get up at 7 o clock for the first time in months and it felt like shit.
I didn't do that much besides sleeping. School is almost done so we don't really have any classes, so i still had a lot of free time. Most of it was spent daydreaming, listening to true crime and trying to understand the smallest bit of vedic astrology. It's super dense, and free learning material in english is almost impossible to find. Still, it's super interesting and maybe some day I'll get to the bottom of it.
Today has been really great aside from a very shitty thing that happened at 22 but I can only focus on it so here it goes.
Dad sucks, and I think I made it pretty obvious. He did some very horrible stuff when I was 6-7, andwhile he kind of mellowed down since them, they affected me the most. I won't ever forgive him, and despite my wish to make every day of his life hell, I try to just. Distnace myself from him most of the time. So yeah, he's still talking about how I'm lazy and wasting their money and constantly lying, which is true, but the only things he sees as lies aren't actually lies. Reality beats fiction I guess.
Now frot he positive part, I ran into an old classmate of mine and at first I didn't recognize her thanks to the masks, but once I did, and she showed me her ig, it was so obvious she was queer. I told her "I see what you mean" and she looked scared so I was like "I'm gay too" and we kind of laughed it off. We just kept talking for a while and she kind of gave me the confidence to post on my ig too. She's part of a "bad crowd", which means she smokes and that's about it, but I would like to reconnect with her cause. Y'know. Queer person! Yay!
I had to babysit my sister today, so guess who skipped most of their classes! It's not like It's hard taking care of her or anything. We started getting along pretty well during quarantine, probably because our interactions weren't taking place after we've been mentally drained by school. But it's just a thought.
So yeah, I spent most of the day watching anime, chatting with some friends, eating all sweets I could find and also, attending math private lessons. I like math, I find it very interesting. I like learning about most things actually, it's just that school sucks at teaching them, and paying attention to 30 kids with various levels of mental maturity is virtually impossible. I feel sorry for the teachers sometimes.
I'm thinking of dying my hair. I finally have a more masculine haircut, but it's still not queer enough. Yeah, I'm percieved as a girl by most people (which sucks), so the mere fact that I've got short hair might be a hint to some, but those people aren't probably queer. My hair needs a little more flavour, a little more oompf. I think fuchsia would look great, but I'm also thinking of green, but I might look like R*han.
around 2am->Dad got drunk, didn't let us sleep, etc etc. This happens like two times a month, and the dact that it has become a routine is pretty... sad? telling? I don't know. My only actual problem with this routine is that it keeps me awake when I'd rather be asleep.
The rest of the day was pretty chill tho. No homework and no school, and we ate McDonald's because it's internatiola children's day. Of course, that didn't stop dad from being himself, but it was a little bit better.
What I'm actually excited about is the fact that it's pride month! Because I live in a shitty city in Bumfuck Nowhere, I've never actually seen a pride, but just hearing about them on the news makes me feel a little less lonely.
Maybe I'll actually gather up the courage to make an actual social media account. Maybe, but probably not. If I were to join any kind of queer-focused group, somebody might find out and decide to out me. Which could very well prove fatal.
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